Lies

I have come to the strong belief that lies are the worst act that can be committed, at least in the meta existence. I have tried hard to stop lying completely, and I have been surprised how hard it has been. Just today, a superintendent on the job site asked me if I finished architecture school, and I almost lied and said yes. For one, so that I could be more respected, and two, and probably mostly the reason, so I wouldn't have to explain how I'm taking a year off and crap. But I stopped myself and told the truth. When you lie, you don't give the chance for the receiver of the lie to judge for themself. I don't know if the superintendent would respect me more or not if I finished school, but I have a duty to give him te fair chance at making his own decision. When you lie to people, you are showing them, or you are showing yourself, that you do not trust them to see you 'naked', unfiltered, unashamed, unbiased. 

The other part of not lying, is believing people. This is the absolute hardest part. Just letting someone spin you a tale and trust them, making yourself vulnerable to be manipulated. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt that you trust them not to fool you. The pain of being let down really really stings. Probably one of the worst and frustrating feelings I get dealing with people. The reason it hurts is because I expect that if you know me you can trust me and show yourself to me knowing I will not turn you away with scorn or judgement, but only trying to understand and appreciate more. And to not trust me, says to me that I am not trustworthy which is one of the biggest insults anyone could put my way. 

Things as simple as responding to a message I have sent. (And Facebook doesn't make it any easier to give people the benefit of the doubt because you can see when people read the message). It sounds kinda off topic, but if you don't respond, you are saying to me 'I didn't see it'. Because in real life I doubt a sentence goes unresponded to. But that is why I have shied away from online communication as much as possible. 

But I am getting really off track. I have always had the compulsion to take people for their word. Remembering mostly everything they say and hold them to it. The stings of realizing they were lies or half-truths drove me to simply 'not believe anything until I see it' type mentality. That state of mind is not only very paranoid, it also is a denial. I told myself I don't care if they are telling the truth or lying, show me. Of course in my heart I am always cheering for the action to match the word. 

So where is this blog going? I don't know. Had a brief thought that I was trying to recover by writing this. I must say though, that the pain of being let down gets easier to handle the more it happens. It still stings the same, but it is just more familiar. 

I guess the choice is believe in people or not. And I choose to. 

Endnote- HAL hang 2??