I have spent the last 5 days working on a model for school, it looks shoddy. I guess it's more about the ideas in it than craft. School is kinda absurd after working, knowing how much money I could have made each day, instead I sit and play arts and crafts. But hey, why should life be about making money? Shmoney. I am not ashamed to admit 'hot nigga' has been on repeat on my phone for the past 2 days.
I had a nice moment in the student dining center today. After about 1.5 years of research I was completely comfortable being alone in public. Just eating, no phone, no book, just looking around and eating. And then a commercial came on.
It was about retirement and how we need to make sure we save until were 100. Paraphrasing. It made life seem so weird. So scripted and final. You get born, wake up at 5, believe everything your parents tell you until you're 15, start finding love, start questioning everything, graduate from some kinda something, think you have all the answers Sway, get a steady job, get married, have kids, forget your crazy ambitions, make sure your crew is fed. Aaaaand then, once all that is done, retire? And do what? Not anything you could do when you were 21. And what's so great about that freedom? When you are elderly, the natural inclination is to regress back to seeking assistance and impart wisdom on those helping you, just as children do.
And then what? Die? That's a weird game. It's not even something you can opt out of, 'no thanks, I'll not participate in life'. You're just flung in there with a family you didn't pick, a language, race, economy, physical makeup, etc. And people keep telling me we are all different? How could we be? How can you identify with the things you have no choice over? Isn't that a denial of self exploration? I feel we are the same experience cut with different points in space-time.
That's why we are all friends!!! I knew what to expect this year coming into school with a bunch of classmates that have known each other for the past 4 years. But I'm still kind of upset. Their walls are so high. They are so comfortable with their groups of friends. Not once this year has anyone came to me and introduced themselves, simply because they just wanted to know a new person. I have introduced myself a lot though. And still upsetting, there is no fostering of friendship afterwards by them. They have no need to build a new friendship out of sheer bonding, their friendzones are established. Terrible. I have met one amazing friend though. I'll just keep treating everyone as my friend, since we all are, and that'll be that.
Endnote- trip to NYC for weekend, should text kamau to see if can meet or su'a
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