People of NYC

Everytime I go to NYC I feel so connected to the place. Today walking around after my sad track meet, it was everything. There were homeless people just chillin. So many homeless people in an area I walked though. One was barbecueing in an aluminum pan somehow on the side of the street. So much smoke. But he was just doing it and about to enjoy a nice meal of hotdogs and hamburgers to share with his friends. There people yelling across the street setting dates to see each other. People playing in the parks, Puerto Ricans grilling by the river. The streets were just so alive. There are few places these days that it is acceptable to just inhabit the street, not walk through, but really inhabit. Just chill on the stoop and watch the day. But here it was allowed. New Yorkers do have that rough edge, but it's out of necessity. After you get past it, they seem just as friendly as a blacksburger.

Yesterday, I met up with two best friends to watch the meet. Usain Bot! David Rudisha! Lolo Jones! Pablo Pichardo! Tyson Gay! David Oliver! Will Claye! Ernesto Reve (aka the coolest Cuban ever). 

Anyway, as I was walking to the meet, another guy was walking and asked me if I was going. I said yea and we walked together. 49 year old black guy from Baltimore, he came just to watch the meet. We started talking about track and stuff. He competes in masters meets in the 100m. Then, as we were approaching the stadium, we saw another older black guy looking for the meet. He donned South Carolina Gamecocks regalia, he was from there but lives in NYC. So is 3 amigos approach the meet and decide to sit together. It was fun watching the meet with my 2 best friends and discussing people's track careers. Then the meet ended and I'll never see them again. 

Why can't that be the ideal? Why must we hold onto those we 'love' so much? I've been very angered by my definition and my practice of universal love. The more I feel I am able to love more as more people, the less I desire to 'have' people. For me, love just seems to boil down to understanding someone, helping them to understand themselves  and them helping to understand yourself. Idk, I just feel I'm getting more and more committed to loving people from afar. 

As I was walking out the stadium Saturday to catch my bus, I walked past Pablo Pichardo taking pictures with fans. We locked eyes. He was just a man, like me. I felt I understood him. I loved him. I didn't even want to ask for a picture, the eyes were all I needed. 

Now, the issue with this type of love is if it is pure. Am I just running from the possibility of rejection if I make action towards loved ones? I have experimented on this and I really don't think so. During my time at Virginia Tech I made several very close friends from all kinds of backgrounds. And throughout those friendships I have dabbled in being demanding and stuff, and being rejected and being accepted. None of that changed my true desire to just want to appreciate people or help when asked. 

This type of love is dull. I miss hate. Good and bad, right and wrong. I saw a mom slap her child on the street today, it was neither good or bad, I just had to love her. She was just being who she was. I saw a girl on the subway looking in the glass and preening her hair and makeup. It's not good or bad that she wants to look good for others, it just is. 

I miss the ability to stand by an opinion or stance and tell myself that person is 'stupid' for hitting their child, or 'shallow' for caring about their looks. But when you zoom out you realize all the factors in their life that led up to them making that decision. Their just a product of their environment, love it Hasheem. 

I had to stop myself a couple times from going on a mental tangent about what was missing from my childhood concerning parenting these past few days. How can I desire things to be different? There is no set code to parenting. People that have children don't have to be certified in child raising before they have sex. Every child-parent relationship is a unique experiment, and the parent learns so much, just like the kid. It's hard not to, but I can't keep regressing to blaming parents or wishing things were different. Because if I do that, then I'm not understanding the person as an individual, I am not truly loving them.