Crossroads

This will be a quick post, I need to sleep, me and sleep have not seen each other much this past 2 weeks. But, i dunno. I was just really thinking and getting depressy about my future in architecture. My project has hit a wall of complexity and un-clear desire. I barely even talk about my project to my partner or professor anymore. I just listen to what they say and ingest it. I dont know why I do this, it must be so frustrating for them to talk to a brick wall. Now, I'm painting an extreme picture, I'm still talkative and aid in the process, it is just forced. I realized, it may be a problem for me sometimes, but other times a great strength, that when I find my calling in a project or life in general, I am so full of life and soooo excited and get so much work done. But I am so slow and mute when I can't see my direction. I think I know what to do, just strip the project back down to what makes it intriguing, back to what I was excited about again.

The strangest feeling came to me when I was being depressy. I am usually so good being by myself, talking to myself. But I felt such a need to vent all this just so somebody could hear it. Not even to give feedback, just to be heard. I don't ever remember feeling like this before. Maybe that's the benefit of a relationship or just a really good friendship, the feeling that you will never 'burden' someone with you griping about your problems. I have always been so cautious about trying not to bother people with my non-positive insights on my life. I was talking to a friend and at one point I said, "Ok, ill stop bothering and you and let you get back to work", they said, "You're not bothering me", kind of taken aback. I always do that, maybe not verbally but with my actions. It's a safeguard, a way to never be called out for being a bother.

Anyway, long enough, need to sleep soon.

Endnote- I am excited about my family. I think the wheels are starting to turn for a much more open discourse in general. This big family can be such a great circle of communication, we all need to just stop fearing not being accepted or disagreement with big life issues. I'm probably talking to me in general, but yea,  my hope is for my peeps to really become an open thinking collective.