A question i get asked a lot about is my love life. And it has really tanked these past few years. And i couldnt feel better about that. I tell myself and others that i am not trying to avoid a relationship it just simply doesn't present itself. While that may be factually true, i fear more is at play.
To understand this you have to understand my childhood. Raised in a black Muslim household in a white christian small town. You learn to cope with being the odd man out. I think all of my siblings have had to deal with this situation in their own unique ways and it is interesting to see manifested. When you are the different one, you either own it and lead from the front, you assimilate, or you observe from behind.
I am the latter. I developed this habit in my childhood and it worked. Stay quiet, give polite answers and avoid trouble. Obsevre and report. It didnt help that i believed my non muslim friends were 'bad' and it also didnt help that we moved almost perfectly at the moment when i was finally coming around 3 seperate times in my childhood.
I think the most alienating experience in young sheems life was moving to georgia. Finally black people!! Hmmm.... for some reason this isnt working. Finally muslims!! Hmm, they dont fast or pray and eat haraam meat. Plus they arent shia. So much for my identity.
Eventually sheem would find friends who also were more observers in college but they were few and far between but it was ok, 1 or 2 freinds is better than 45 acquaintances.
But what did this observing hard wire into me? I think it manifests in not wanting to affect people's lives. And that feeling manifests in me not bothering to engage in and manufacture a relationship with biddies, or even male potential friends. I have sparked a few times in the past with joints, so i do know what it feels like, but when it is 10% unsure i hold back.
So at this point i dont really know what to be. I have been solitary for so long it is a strange thought to want to corrupt that lifestyle for now at least. I feel i have so much more to grow as a man that i cant offer anything to a woman worth something. Now, i am not saying i am not great and that i dont have potential, i am just not there yet and dont feel the need for someone to be with me shooting in the gym right now.
Ideally i need a design friend in charlotte. Havent found him yet, but thats all i would need socially, aside from the galleries and shows i attend. I have much i want to learn and accomplish this year. And with a full time job and shoes to make there really isnt space to entertain anything that isnt a sure spark.
Endnote - just gotta be based and be me
To understand this you have to understand my childhood. Raised in a black Muslim household in a white christian small town. You learn to cope with being the odd man out. I think all of my siblings have had to deal with this situation in their own unique ways and it is interesting to see manifested. When you are the different one, you either own it and lead from the front, you assimilate, or you observe from behind.
I am the latter. I developed this habit in my childhood and it worked. Stay quiet, give polite answers and avoid trouble. Obsevre and report. It didnt help that i believed my non muslim friends were 'bad' and it also didnt help that we moved almost perfectly at the moment when i was finally coming around 3 seperate times in my childhood.
I think the most alienating experience in young sheems life was moving to georgia. Finally black people!! Hmmm.... for some reason this isnt working. Finally muslims!! Hmm, they dont fast or pray and eat haraam meat. Plus they arent shia. So much for my identity.
Eventually sheem would find friends who also were more observers in college but they were few and far between but it was ok, 1 or 2 freinds is better than 45 acquaintances.
But what did this observing hard wire into me? I think it manifests in not wanting to affect people's lives. And that feeling manifests in me not bothering to engage in and manufacture a relationship with biddies, or even male potential friends. I have sparked a few times in the past with joints, so i do know what it feels like, but when it is 10% unsure i hold back.
So at this point i dont really know what to be. I have been solitary for so long it is a strange thought to want to corrupt that lifestyle for now at least. I feel i have so much more to grow as a man that i cant offer anything to a woman worth something. Now, i am not saying i am not great and that i dont have potential, i am just not there yet and dont feel the need for someone to be with me shooting in the gym right now.
Ideally i need a design friend in charlotte. Havent found him yet, but thats all i would need socially, aside from the galleries and shows i attend. I have much i want to learn and accomplish this year. And with a full time job and shoes to make there really isnt space to entertain anything that isnt a sure spark.
Endnote - just gotta be based and be me
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