Vulnerable

I am beyond scared of being out on that limb. I was watching Louie the other day, the FX show. That show isn't even necessarily funny, it's just real. Anyway, on the show, he just told the woman he was with exactly how he felt about her. Every super vulnerable detail about how much she means to him, knowing she probably didn't feel the same way. I could barely watch.After he said that, he just had to stand there accepting the situation he created, not just letting it exist in his mind as a what if. He had the courage to out himself so hard. I thought about that the rest of the night.

With pretty much every meaningful relationship I have had or tried to have, either with friends or femmes, it has been so safe. Read the signs, take a small step. Always have ten back-up plans and think through alternate endings 10 different ways before making any moves. Its so crap. I talk a good game. I tell people when you start to feel vulnerable, that when you start living, so what the heck am I doing. And I have experienced the good of vulnerable. And if feels reallllly good. To just do something, take action, without being cautious. But then there is the negative side, where you feel like you have no friends when you get rejection or just not a very positive result. I need to stop fearing that so much.

Now what specifically are you talking about Hasheem? Why this post? Why now? I really don't know. I'm tired of being couped up in my multiple shells of social safety, never wanting to make a misstep. Find myself not making any steps, with anything really, and it boils down to vulnerability. My mind does so much gymnastics to reason me out of taking risks.

New Hasheem, Hasheem 2.0, Citizen Sheem, they all pretty much have the same objective. Be more out there.

So do it Fez.