Aloen

How do you not feel alone? I have realized that in the last 12 months I haven't made a single new friend. Sure, I have strengthened my existing ones, but not really at the same time. I have come to some challenging conclusions regarding things like love, happiness and friendship over the past couple of months. And these conclusions have made me so afraid of affecting other peoples lives. The more I understand and appreciate the world around me, the less I want to affect it. 

Think about if I had talked to Unique, and tried to be friends with him. The very things I appreciated about him would fade away because he would instantly try to put on a certain persona which he thinks is appropriatly taylored for me, instead of the truer exhausted waiter persona he had in Waffle House. And that is how I am beginning to see even people I already know. I constantly wonder if they filter themselves for me. And if so, what do they want to be to me and why? I guess I'd like to know who I am to others. That's such a vulnerable question, I haven't been able to ask it even in my head. 

I don't have a best friend anymore. Partially because of events, but mainly because I see labeling of friends as exclusionary. Any bloke on the street is my friend, if I accept the transience of this life. Holding onto friends only weakens the bond and deprives one of experiencing new. If I want to truly love everyone, then putting people on a pedastal simply because of a convenience that makes us interact is invalid. 

And that's all fine and dandy Hasheem, but what happens when your car breaks down and you have no one to call? See, that's the trap. You shouldn't have strategic friends under the guise of unconditional affection. You shouldn't play the game everyone else is playing simply because of the fear. 

It is like if there was a wedding, and nobody objected because nobody else objected, then it would be assumed you're the only one with the problem. So, I am saying that having friends to hold onto simply because everyone else is doing it doesn't enable me to live in the reality in which I desire to be apart of. #endthefriend . And sure I will get burned but I would never even know it was hot if I didn't try. 

I know this blog doesn't make much sense, but this is for me. I just don't know how to deal with the crushing feeling of loneliness even though I know we are all one experience. Even though I see the things people do to simply 'be part' and don't agree with it. It would be nice to feel alone with someone else if I can be honest with myself. 

Endnote- #endthefriend