Had a chill Thanksgiving day. Accidentally slept until 2pm, but its all good. Nice and sunny. Made French Toast for b-fast/lunch. Did a moderately tiring workout as the sun set. Only 3 hours of daylight? sucks man. Rode through the ghost-town of Blacksburg on the bike. Its so great how spaces transform when people are vacant. Went and picked up some Eggnog! The first time I bought Eggnog by myself, so I was excited to be able to drink it at my own discretion, instead of being mindful of others in the house, esp Abu Bakr because he probably loves the stuff more than me.
Although I had a pretty chill Thanksgiving, I do admit, I miss my family quite a bit. This is the first Thanksgiving in a while where I wasn't at a get together or family function. At least I have a family to miss. It's so easy to assume everyone has what you have, and even think that they have more than you have. Like I said in my fajr wisdom, it's hard to be the bottom point on the circle. I should stop doing those. I have way more questions than answer to be giving my "wisdom" to the people. Instead I should just ask questions. Like today, I asked myself, "Why do humans exist?". Yea, too much time alone, I know.
Am I lonely? I feel like, most other people would feel much more lonely than me. I am kinda enjoying this break, actually using my apartment, instead of just sleeping in it. I worked 2 of the days of the week on top of practicing, so it was surprisingly busy. And also I'm full of myself, so it takes awhile for me to feel the need of others' company. But it does come to the point where I wish for that special someone, but that's where the dilemna is....
Ill start with my thoughts on destiny. So, this year has been different than the past few in college, because I'm "on the market" so to speak. And so I've been wrestling with where to start my search for my queen. And my thing is, "Is destiny in everything, or nothing? or half and half?" Like, are somethings destined, and some you have to carve out for yourself. And I find myself wondering, do I just wait for someone to come along. Or do I bark at everything that walks by, and if it works is that destined to happen?
And beyond that, I don't feel like I could be someones husband right now, I make negative money a year, barely have anytime for myself and I don't know where my heart is right now (puts hands on back of neck). I want somebody that I feel challenged by. Someone that's doing their own thing and it passionate. Could be a chemist or a painter or a fashionista, but be passionate about it. And I guess it's because of my past "relationship", but I can't do long-distance right now, bro. I can't really move around too much right now, and I can't really cut out to much time for skyping and phone convos and all that. Sooooo, what am I stuck with? Finding a girl in Blacksburg, but wait, I don't really want a wife?! Am I turning American?
Like I seriously don't know what to do. As with what happened a few weeks back, I don't feel comfy stringing along some girl for 3+ years while I'm in school and they're just waiting only to find out I don't like their presence, lol, or vice-verse. So what am I left with? Being in a relationship I only see fit for my college years?
I feel like destiny would have it be that I'll land an architecture job in some city, then maybe I'll stumble upon her there, or maybe I could correspond with someone through distance. Then I would be able to fly out, drive out, fly in her in, etc to meet and stuff, cuz I'll be ballin and actually have an income. the problem again is, what do I do NOW??!?!?!?
And all this is based on my faithless-ness in stuff right now. Im way too practical right now because of my previous relationship, where it was like all faith based and that hit me hard in the face. So, maybe I can just go with the flow and put faith into something. Who knows? Anyone know? Tell me please!
Endnote- Eggnog is so good, but I like to mix it with milk to loosen it up a bit.
im late, what do u mean it was faith based? was that the main reason u were in the relationship or was it becuz u 2 vibed? Was the long distance thing too much work for the reward or were u just so disappointed with the outcome that u arent willing to do it again? Now put on ur beauty while u answer
ReplyDeleteLol @ putting on my beauty. It was an improbable relationship, so it was based in just going with the flow even though the outcome didnt seem clear, which is what I meant by faith. And we really vibed well. So, to have that end so faithlessly, kinda shattered my will to put myself out there without a clear outcome. Its just a time thing, that will have to heal. I just dont have it in me to hope for travel dates and meet-ups months away, just tired of that process, esp with someone that may not mean as much to me as my previous relationship did.
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